Sunday, April 8, 2012

Feeling Blue

Depression: a mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity.

It was one year ago at the end of March that I was in the hospital with pneumonia and that along with other things have been weighing on my mind as of late.  It has gotten to the point to where I just want to come home and sleep for hours on end.  12 plus hours to be exact.  Plus, I have given up on my art of quilting.  I just don't seem to care any longer. I felt like no matter what I do I am not good enough or that no one seems to even care what happens.  When I think I have done my best people just tell me that was good, but you can do better or we need more.    It like pulling on a rubber band and seeing how long you can stretch it before it breaks.   They don't seem to realize that we all have a breaking point and I have hit mine. I have receded into myself and want to give up on the things in life that mean the most to me.  

Good thing that I have a loving person in my life that has seen the signs in my life and had the forethought to get me medical attention.  The doctor has put me on medication.  I guess I really should say upped the medication that I was already on.  My doctor also wanted me to go and see a therapist, but I am the type person that will tell them just what they want to hear and they will think that I have gotten better, when in reality I am just as bad, if not worse than I was before.  

Today I have made a breakthrough in my eyes that is.  It might just be a small one, but it is a step in the right direction.  I have taken the Salt Air by Cosmo Cricket for Moda Fabrics layer cake I've had laying around and decided that I would cut it up in hopes of making a quilt.  I still have a few more pieces that I need to cut, before I can begin sewing it into Reveille by Carrie Nelson of Miss Rosie's Quilts.  I love her patterns and I have a soft spot in my heart for her. I am glad that she is able to help me get out of my funk.


Just writing this post has also been a step in the right direction, but I guess that could go without saying.  Guess I had better get off this computer get another cup of coffee and get back to cutting out my quilt pieces while I still have the desire to do so.  Thomas told me once I have every thing cut out he would help me piece it  together.  He really does love me.

I hope that each and every one of you have a blessed and Happy Easter!!

Until next time,

28 comments:

  1. Hang in there Charlie, I've been there and it's tough. Everyone has a different breaking point. I can measure my mental state of affairs by how productive I am. That quilt is lovely and will certainly help. Keep cutting.

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  2. I am sorry to hear that you have been going through this, I know the feeling.
    I have been battling lyme and other things, so I have my ups and downs.
    I have decided to just create what I want, when I want and getting outside more, now that it is nice.
    That is the hard thing about creating and crafting for profit, sometimes we lose the inspiration that got us started, so good to step back and rethink your priorities.

    Debbie

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  3. Thank you for sharing. Acknowledgement is the crucial first step to getting better. I'm glad you have someone who loves and understands you to be by your side.

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  4. Just be you Charlie, never mind what everyone else thinks, I hope your mojo is back to stay :) Hope you have a happy and Blessed Easter x

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  5. I hope the longer days and brighter sunshine helps you get back to the 'self' you want to be. Depression is a tough one, but be tougher. Best wishes to you, Kathie L in Allentown

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  6. Hope things get righter for you. the change of seasons can be unsettling also which doesn't help. Can't wait to see your Salt Air quilt.

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  7. Charlie, I wish you all the best in your journey to conquour your illness. You ar surrounded by people that love you and along with other treatments that will be the best medicine. Getiing back into your craft that you were passionate about will help you along but sharing it with others and giving to others to make their lives happier will lift your spirits too. I am looking forward to seeing more of your beautiful work. L j x

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  8. I am so sorry to hear you've been having such a difficult time. When you hadn't posted in so long, I assumed you were busy making beautiful quilts. I'm happy to hear you are beginning to feel better and I'm looking forward to see more amazing creations!

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  9. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I struggle with anxiety and depression, too. It sucks. Black hole.

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  10. I hope things get easier but thank you ever so much for putting what you are going through on your blog. So many people suffer and don't say anything. You opening up has hopefully helped you and many others!

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  11. Charlie glad you are getting the help you need. Remember if you love to quilt it is not what other people think that should matter. You quilt because YOU like to, so you should quilt the way and the speed YOU like to. If someone else doesn't like it, let them do it their own way and you go on doing it YOUR way. Do for YOU and no one else. It will make you feel better about YOU. Remember it is YOUR life not theirs, and YOU are the only one that should have control over how YOU live YOUR life. Glad you have someone help you along with this. Can't wait to see the quilt the two you of you will make together. Also winter time is a time that puts a lot of people in depression because of the lack of sunlight. Might want to check into "daylight" bulbs for inside the house, they do make a big difference in lighting, and the way they make you feel too.

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  12. So glad you are back quilting. This is for you, not for anyone else.
    Many thanks to your loving partner and your doctor for being there to help.
    Your quilts are absolutely lovely!
    We've missed your posts. So good to have you back.

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  13. Charlie I am so sorry that your depression has got to you again. It did to me about a year ago and my doctor also upped my medication which I have been on for a long long time. I felt so much better about 6 months ago that I actually stopped two of the pills what were different from the main one and just take that now. I'm so much better and you will be too I promise.
    Lots and lots of Love
    Patti xxx

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  14. you can do it! do it for yourself and it will show us we can do it too. I've been there and my heart is with you :)), take care, debby

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  15. Charlie, Sorry to hear that you've been dealing with depression, I can relate. I had a bout with it from about September through February, think it's a winter thing for me, but when it hits nothing really matters. Glad to hear that you've gone back to sewing even if in small increments, keep working at it - it will get better!

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  16. Maybe its circling the world cos Ive been laid low this past week or two myself. Im on a maintenance dose a day, but now and then I dare dsay I should up the dose but when you live with that inner feeling of failure and pointlessness, sometimes, you dont see it, till its laid in do you.
    I hope the fabrics bring you round! I always maintain my Creative Gene is my therapy, so reckon I need to grab a needle and get stuck in like you.......youve given me a prod so thank you. I hope the inner sun shines for you, a little longer each day.

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  17. When your post popped up in my reader, I was really excited to "hear from" a friend I hadn't been in touch with in a while. While I'm saddened to hear that you have been going through such a rough time, I'm glad that you reached out to all your friends here. We have all been there, for one reason or another, and I can't tell you exactly how or when you will pull through, but I know that you are taking the right steps and that sewing again will probably be the key to finding your creativity and happiness. I'm glad to hear you have such a loving and caring partner! If you ever want to talk, you have other friends, too! Remembering those things will help, I promise.

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  18. Charlie, I was so moved by your post. As I read along, I found myself saying "um hmmm..." after almost every phrase. How wonderful that your Sweetie read the signs so well! I am glad you have pulled out special fabric, and are cutting it -- I will stop back and see how you are getting along. (And I will head into my workroom, and start cutting a project myself - good advice from you!)

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  19. Charlie,
    I am sorry you are going through such a bad time but hang in there!!!
    I am so glad you have someone that loves you! make sure you hang on to the ones you
    love!
    I really like all the fabric your new quilt will be made out of, can't wait to see it finished!! Have some fun, that will make you feel better too!!!

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  20. Hang in there Charlie and remember -- DEPRESSION LIES! I can't claim that as mine, I got it from the Bloggess, but it really rang true for me. Depression tells you that nothing is wrong, you're just tired, you're just run down, you're just - burned out, bored, in a rut-- all the stupid flimsy excuses depression tells us that seems to make so much sense when you're too deep to see through it. Depression feeds our insecurities, fears, suspicions to the point that they seem valid, accurate, sensible, thought out. Hug that loved one who saw what you couldn't and helped get you help. Having finally crossed once again back to the other side, I can look back with clarity now and see how staggeringly long depression convinced me I was "okay" - having a bad day, month, year, job, relationship...so glad I finally got well enough to say I was sick of feeling like shit all the time with no energy or interest to do the things I loved. Now I realize that my loss of interest in the one thing that keeps me sane and helps me manage my stress- quilting, is my new warning flag. I love my quilting and depend on it too much to ever let depression get the best of me again. Not that it may not try, but hopefully quilting will help me to seek help before that much time passes again. Hang there - you inspire us all! We need you and love you and support you in all you do.

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  21. What a joyful quilt! You are on your way out back into this beautiful world.

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  22. Charlie,
    So glad you're feeling better. We are here for you. With no judgments, expectations from you....just here. We all may not comment often, and you may not know we are here...but we are....unconditionally. Prayers and good thoughts coming from my family here in Washington DC to yours. Be peace :)

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  23. I don't know what to say but know that I'm a follower and that, like so many, I care. I understand how you are feeling and I just hope your darkness lifts completely very soon.

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  24. Oh, Charlie, I know what you are going through. Keep working with your doctor. It took three tries, but we finally found a med that helps. It's so hard for people who haven't dealt with depression to identify with what you're feeling. They think you can just "snap out of it" -- it doesn't work that way. I even had a priest tell me he doesn't believe there is such a thing as clinical depression, you just need to pray and change your outlook. But it can and does get better. There IS hope!

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  25. I just went through my first bout of depression, after baby #3. I didn't sew or quilt for months, about three. I was so happy I finally did seek therapy and medication because now, 9 months later I'm feeling like myself again! Hope you will get there soon! Sometimes just going through the motions now is enough to get you to the place you want to be.

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  26. Hey, friend. I've been thinking of you. I was hopeful that Batman might cheer you up. ;)

    Hope to see you at the MQG Meetup in May during Quilt Market.

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